Kites, the Most Pointless Piece of Crap I’ve Seen This Year

Okay, I was fooled by the name “Rakesh Roshan;” I didn’t realize that he had nothing to do with the story or the film’s direction. I rarely watch Hindi movies, but I do make an exception depending on the star cast or the director involved with the project. This time, it was the director — or so I thought.

Anyway, so here’s a two-line gist of the movie: one gold digger meets another gold digger, and they both sort of screw around with a rich, criminal family in Las Vegas. The family finds out, and screws their lives over in return. End of story.

Now, take that script, throw in a Spanish-speaking hottie to lure the males, the Greek God-like body of Hritik Roshan to woo the girls, and a truckload of cheesy lines like “I don’t know what part of the world you come from, but you’ve become my whole world now,” and you’ve got a piece of Bollywood cinema, which Hritik Roshan claims is “different.”

I have absolutely no idea why we’re supposed to like or even empathize with the characters. The hero is a mediocre con artist of sorts who marries foreign women, helps them get the green card, and charges them money for it. As if that wasn’t enough to make him a total douchebag, he wants to marry a rich girl so he can live his life on her money and never have to be poor again.

Seriously? An Indian who’s a great dancer and knows magic tricks, and he can’t find a good job in the US, you’re friggin kidding me right? And I’m supposed to feel sympathy for him cause he falls in love with another woman who’s trying to marry a rich man so she can become rich and help her family out of poverty. Wow, real touching stuff.

To make things even more dramatic, there’s a friend who helps the protagonist — we really need to redefine the terms here — find clients to marry, and also gives his life up to help him procure foreign passports so the love birds can fly away to a different place and live happily ever after. Honor among thieves huh!

Finally, I guess the filmmakers really wanted to make something different, so after giving us two lovers with high aspirations and loose morals — real innovative stuff — they decided that after two hours of painful struggle (painful for the audience) the story should NOT end well. You can probably guess what happens at the end, can’t you?

Yes, I know I didn’t say “spoiler alert” at the beginning of this review… You’re welcome.

P.S.: I spent the equivalent of $7.00 to buy two tickets for this movie, and I’d like to apologize to the Indian goddess of wealth, “Laxmi,” for splurging her blessings this way.

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